As I write this, I’m uncharacteristically sad considering the day. I woke up this morning, bought my usual balloons and prosecco and gin, excited for what the night had to offer. But as the day wore on, this cloud of gloom found its home with me.

I’m lonely.

Anyone who knows me knows that NYE is my favorite holiday. For all my Forrest Gump fans, “…you get to start all over.” It’s the time of the year for resolutions and redos; the season when old acquaintance are forgot, and never brought to mind. We each begin with a clean slate. It’s the only day of the year when, no matter how tired, drunk, or bored, I can’t go to bed before midnight.

Not marking the new year is a sin. Not marking a new decade? Well, I don’t want to tempt fate.

What you don't know is that this tradition, that has been embedded in your brains and social media, only began in 2016. I was supposed to attend a friend’s birthday party with my now ex-husband, and it was a couples’ party. Well, last minute, he decided he’d rather attend Watch Night services.

And I’ve never been a Watch Night type of gal.

To save myself the embarrassment, I chose to stay at home. I’m super grateful that, at the same time, there was another short, Black woman who was doing the same. That was the year the cold temperatures were actually able to silence Mariah.

In 2017, I needed to release an incredible amount of tension. In 2018, I needed to celebrate surviving the year that was.

This year? Call me ungrateful and bratty, but I’m finding a reason to toast and create a cocktail pretty difficult at this moment.

However, I know that this coming year will be one for the books. I got the initial vision around mid-spring/early summer, and I trust it. There are doors opening that I cannot yet see, so I’m believing that even this feeling is a way to purge so I’m ready to receive. I’ve committed to doing things differently this year (seriously, I haven’t even touched the bottle of very expensive gin), and instead choosing to focus inward.

In the spirit of that, I’m going to do something else I don’t normally do: make resolutions.

I previously thought that there was a weakness in resolving to change, especially when most changes were thrown to the side before the groundhog told us, once again, that we were in for 6 more weeks of winter. I would fight so hard against making resolutions, even saying, “Well, this is the habit I’m going to cultivate…”

I can be quite insufferable.

Which is the perfect segue into my resolutions.

So, here goes:

In 2020, I resolve—

To speak to myself in the way that I’d speak to a friend.

This self-deprecating speech has brought nothing but a sense of depression. I think I’m being “snarky and cute,” not realizing the actual mental and emotional anguish I’m causing myself.

To kick perfectionism to the curb.

A wise person once told me that “perfect is the enemy of good.” Another wise person told me, “Done is better than perfect.” My brand of perfectionism has crippled me, and I refuse to let it have a hold over me.

To fall in love with my hobbies.

Earlier this morning, I mentioned to my mother how applying for graduate school encapsulated my life, to the point that even if I wasn’t actively working on it, I knew I should be so nothing else mattered. As a result, I stopped engaging my hobbies. I stopped being as adventurous with my cooking and put down my knitting needle. I have plans to visit my closest yarn studio, maybe even one that I haven’t seen since 2010 before the end of the weekend to get started on the black scarf that was requested of me. The writing is currently happening. :)

To diversify my input.

For the last couple of years, I’ve surrounded myself with words and works of people who look like me. ONLY people who look like me. And well frankly, my creativity has suffered. It’s not that the pieces weren’t quality (they were), but, for me, when I do that, I’m less able to fully critique society. Being a “live and let live” kind of person, I never thought I’d be someone like this, but it’s easy to do especially when you’re in a space of healing and growth. It’s okay for me to branch out now. My writing will thank me for it.

Embrace confidence.

In every way. Even in my speech. I’m resolving to strike “I think…” unless I am about to explain an actual thought instead of using it to make what I’m saying more palatable.

Keep me up.

Vanity be damned. It is important to me to make sure that I continue keeping up with my regular haircuts, and eyebrow appointments. I am empowering myself to play with my look and do what I need to make sure I look the best I can look. Not what anyone else thinks.

Deeply engage my spirituality.
Love deeply.
Reconnect with the outdoors.
To travel more.

Come on, you need at least one cliche. ;)

Being a better friend, girlfriend, loved one…

This decade, especially the last half, has been quite selfish. It was needed for my growth, but I am in a space where I can finally share my love with those who love me.

To make this a living, breathing list.

I don’t believe that this list should end. There should always be something that I think, “Shoot! I should’ve added…” or, better yet, “Wow, I didn’t realize this…”

I resolve to grow, continuously and without shame.

To 2020, I’m feeling better and ready for you. Let’s have a ball.